The power of decision is my own

Tell me the LAL story.

This is a true story of a lady who founded an organisation to help people with psychological matters. You Yourself told me about her one day.

“There is an air pocket in your brain. It can go and block transmission any time. We don’t know how long you will live,” she was told.

That was the end of the matter.

She, her family members, went to a man for help. The kind of man who had acquired the reputation of being a go-to man when there were no other options left. At the time when this lady and her family members reached him, he was flying a kite.

They told their problem and asked for help.

He gave the lady the kite string and asked her to fly the kite.

She lost her cool.

“I’m talking of life and death here and you’re asking me to fly a kite? I don’t know how to fly a kite.”

“You don’t need to know how to fly a kite. Commit to flying the kite and you can fly the kite. It’s just a question of commitment. Commit to living and you shall live.”

What the man said, impacted the lady deeply. She lived.

The internal transformation she went through impacted her family members first, then she founded an organisation to share what she had discovered within.

Eventually, after several years, she did land up in the ICU. It was the air pocket that had acted up. She was writing a book at that time. Even in the ICU, she decided she will finish the book. So she did finish writing the book. Only then, she died.

Why have you been wanting to share this story?

It is this coronavirus thing going on. Obviously death must’ve crossed people’s minds. I see this as pralay in slow motion – a great time to become more aware of what we hold within. And that thing You said, “And no one dies without his own consent,”* rings true in me.

For me, how I came back to live in Kolkata with the family members is the most telling evidence that corroborates what You say — the power of decision is my own.

How did you come back to live in Kolkata with the family?

It’s a somewhat long story.

OK fine. You can tell me tomorrow. I’m glad you came for a walk.

I am too. Thanks for letting me go for today.

I never bind you.

I know.

You came because you wanted to, you wrote because you wanted to.

I know. And You know I am scared to write what is within me.

“No one dies without his own consent,”* is huge stuff. Who am I to write about such stuff.

It is huge if you consider it huge. Else, it is merely interesting – like physics, quantum computers, data visualization, coronavirus data… No difference whatsoever.


Conversation (and discovery behind the mind)

So what did you discover behind the mind?


It is thanks to Mummy and a tremendous conversation I had with her yesterday evening. But then who is Mummy and who am I? There is no place where Asha Murarka ends and Vani Murarka begins.

There is one place in our conversation yesterday (life happens in the synapses, in conversations) where she pointed to her third eye and then to mine meaning this communication is happening from here to here. That was so powerful.

What did Mummy say?

She said, “Use your mind.”

All this while I have been thinking that You have to use my mind. I tried aligning the scattered mind into a laser beam, but didn’t succeed. So I gave that responsibility to You too – conversion of the mind into a laser beam to be then wielded by You as You deem fit. But what Mummy told me yesterday, “I must use my mind,” puts me in the active role in my life. This clearly shows how passively I was approaching life till now. This ties so well with what You had said the other day –

“Accept your rightful place as co-creator of the Universe.” *

So behind the mind I discovered myself. The entity that must use the mind.

But I should also mention awareness here. When I discovered the very potent power and subtle existence of awareness, I used to think I am awareness. But that is not so.

Awareness is also a tool, a power given to me, to be used. So behind the mind there is awareness and behind awareness, there is me. Right now this is how it looks to me —

One might think awareness is a capability of the mind, but I would like to make a distinction. Awareness is far more subtle, far more powerful than the mind. Also, there is a non-doing in awareness, whereas the mind is all action (often frenzied, monkey-like)

Well so I have herewith used my mind and that is how I have walked this morning walk. This pen that Dhruv helped me buy is also much better.

And what was that Mummy said about maintaining a distance?

Oh that was utterly fantastic. It is the aliveness of the synapse. It is tomaaree mukh loibo cheene. It is snehaatirek se bachein. It is something that deserves a walk of its own.

In all of this, do I get any credit?

Listen, You know, I know, You came to me in the form of Mummy and said what I was ready to hear. Need that be said?

I like hearing it. Give credit where its due.

Talking of giving credit, I am really grateful for this direct interaction with this layer of Mummy, beyond her role as mother, caretaker of my physical well being.

OK enough. I don’t want to walk anymore. Over and out.

Reader Feedback on 12 Drops of Silence

Anita Nihalani is a yoga teacher in Assam. A Maths post graduate, she is also a prolific writer and poet. On reading 12 Drops of Silence she emailed me this response. I am grateful and elated, feeling somewhat of a trembling at her kind words — sharing the happiness with you.

Words were put in bold by Anita ji herself.

‘12 drops of Silence’ is a treasure to cherish, it is not a book that you read once. It is to be read again and again when ever mind is in peace or wants to be in peace. I read it in one sitting and was overwhelmed with so many emotions which can not be expressed in words.

A blob of love is a short and sweet poem. While reading it one can get the experience of meditation.

Article about trees is also very fresh and connects the reader with nature.

Reading about colours was an altogether different experience. Like white and black are two side of one coin, all opposite values are complimentary to each other.

Yes, maybe we are pollen grains, small and cute… waiting to bloom somewhere someday…

To be with nature is really a gift to ourselves, which we should give more often. The face painted with green grass and blue sky is very soothing.

Beauty is not to be seen it should be experienced. When we have steady mind, alert sight, beauty is everywhere. How nicely you have described the presence of beauty in everything around us, in the words and letters also.

They speak in silence is a beautiful poem, silence is the womb of this universe, trees grow in silence, rain comes making noise but snow falls in silence. To be able to feel this very silence is meditation.

The tree is my guru, is a thought provoking article. Trees are powerful, they come and go with same grace. They grow and dissolve in same spirit.

Yes if we can hear there is music in every breadth, there is music in the depth of our being…
“In the silence” is a marvellous picture. The blue-green sky studded with stars, Flowing stream and image of a woman in white, in the shadow of a green tree… is that you.

Infinite womb is also very inspiring and deep. The space is still and infinite, it is the origin of each and everything on this universe. One has to experience this to understand this amazing vast cosmos which is in and out of everything. Everything is happening in this space, nothing is good or bad. It is. This feeling is a great boon if one can feel even once.

Last article – Our Five friends the five elements is very knowledgeable. Fire, water, wind, earth and sky, they all are within us and without us. These elements make our physical body as well as our mental body. They are gross and also minute.

Reading this book is an experience in itself, I congratulate you for these precious pearls of knowledge. While reading I remembered Khalil Gibran. Your writing reminds me of him.

Anita ji writes mainly in Hindi. One of her poems was published on Kaavyaalaya recently. I highly recommend it. This page has links to all her blogs, each one a gem.

Other kind friends and strangers have also posted their feedback on 12 Drops of Silence, some on, some on

Calling The Dark Night, on the City Diwali

Oh! Dear Night Sky
Moonless Black
Come back, come into my life
Hold me in your dense dark womb
Nourish me with your naked wisdom
My heart cries out for you today

My eyes are chained
to frenzied light
Ears drum with screams
of celebration
Oh! Night Sky embrace me now
in your Silence
that I may sink into you

I shall bring but just one lamp
of my heart
As my offering to you
May it join your many stars
Friends I have not seen for long
Friends who showed me
the vastness to which I belong

Now I’m cut away from land
And I’m cut away from you o Sky
In a “Flat” all dimensions
Have been squashed out
Dried powder of rituals remain
Yet your memory too remains

Kali come to me today
I no longer gasp with fear
At the thought of seeing your face
I have met you inside me
I have seen you inside out
I’ve partaken from your bowl
I seek your power once again
In the midst of frenzied lights,
blaring sounds,
that today, more so resound
Show your beauty that’s been forgotten
been forsaken

You shall prevail, that I know
More that we shall fail to see
the gift of the dark
it will not go
Now in you I rest this call
Come take me, once for all
The one you love, you know I do too.

~ vani murarka

anant aakaash garbh

ek jagah hai – jahaa(n) n Hindi hai n Angrezee – n shabd n akShar. dhvani kaa garbh hai ye. desh, sanskRti, dharm, vichaar ke pahale kaa anant aakaash garbh –

ek jagah hai – jahaa(n) n Hindi hai n Angrezee – n shabd n akShar. dhvani kaa garbh hai ye.

main vahaa(n) se aaee hoo(n). mujhe bhejaa gayaa hai – tumase milane. doot hoo(n) main. mujhe yah aadesh diyaa gayaa hai ki dhvani ke garbh ke viShay men tumhe bataaoo(n).

desh, sanskRti, dharm, vichaar ke pahale kaa anant aakaash garbh – jo kisee grah aur kisee lok ke us paar naheen hai – tumhaare samakSh hai. yah jo tumhaare saamane rakhaa hai, usake aNu men hai| vigyaan ke beej men hai.

jis aangan men tumhaare vichaar nirantar naachate rahate hain, jahaa(n) se vichaar utpann hote hain – vah aangan vah anant aakaash garbh hai. is kamare men jo rikt sthaan hai – dekho – jahaa(n) kuchh naheen hai – vahaa(n) hai vah anant aakaash garbh – yahaa(n) hai| aa jaa rahaa hai – sthir hai. bharaa hai.

is kamare men jo bhee hai – dekho – vah anant hai. har do aNu ke beech anant aakaash. har aNu ke bheetar anant aakaash| jitanaa bhee bheetar jaao, jaane ke lie chaaron or aangan aur phailataa jaaegaa.

tumhaare vakSh men, tumhaare mastiShk men, tumhaaree tvachaa men, anant aakaash. netr men, dRShTi paTal par ubharate har chitr men, anant aakaash. har chitr men vah anant beej, us anant beej se ubharataa har chitr.

oorjaa kaa garbh.

ek baḌee haanDee hai yah – yah sRShTi – jisakaa koee or chhor naheen – isee men sab kuchh umaḌataa ghumaḌataa rahataa hai.

aur isamen main hoo(n). us oorjaa kaa ek roop, ek abhivyakti. pyaaree. magar pyaaree yaa naheen yah sarvathaa asangat hai. bas hoo(n). oorjaa kaa ek utthaan jo oorjaa ke garbh men loT rahaa hai, aur oorjaa ke garbh men Dhal jaaegaa.

teraa man kShubdh hai kyonki vah aseemit honaa chaahataa hai magar bhinn bhinn seemaaon men grast hai. seemaaen jinhen tumane sach maan liyaa hai| aseem kaa ehasaas ho to kuchh kuchh aseem par vishvaas kee raah khulegee.

“aseem” yah koee devataa naheen, koee eeshvar naheen. isakee koee kahaaniyaa(n) naheen hain. yah n achchhaa hai n buraa. bas hai. tum n achchhe ho n bure. bas ho. yah jo ho rahaa hai – n achchhaa ho rahaa hai n buraa ho rahaa hai – bas ho rahaa hai. shreyas, preyas, uchit, anuchit, sahee, ghalat sab mithyaa hai. in shabdon kaa koee arth naheen. dharm, adharm – in shabdon kaa koee arth naheen hai. yah bas seemaa men baandhe rahane ko, seemaa men bandhe rahane ko, seemaa grast vichaar hain.

koee n tumhe prataaḌit kar rahaa hai, n tumhe daND de rahaa hai. jo bhee ho rahaa hai, bas ho rahaa hai. sadaa aakaar badalatee ek prakriyaa. prakriyaa ko dekho, vismay ke saath. yah dekhanaa, vigyaan kaa pratham charaN hai. yah vismay us anant aakaash kee anubhooti degaa. kaN bhar anubhooti jo hameshaa tumhaare man men rahegee.